Mia R. & Bella T.

Photography by Mason Schlopy

If you’re reading this, it’s okay to be alone.

For as long as I can remember, I have always tried my best to fit in. Whether that meant being a part of a sports community, the Korean-American community, or the Greek-life community. I felt like I have been longing to be a part of something, but I never quite fit in. I have always felt an immense pressure to be a part of something. It seemed as if everyone has a strong community that they are a part of; a place where they feel understood and loved. I have always admired people who have a contagious energy that people want around. My presence always felt unnoticed. If I missed a class or a meeting, no one asked where I was. If I don't ask people to hang out, I stay home because I am not asked to go places. 

Sometimes I wonder if I am missing out because I don’t have a huge friend group. For 21 years of my life, I have felt like a floater. It has always just been me. Whenever I am in a group, I always feel like I’m the one that doesn’t matter. I am never a part of the core group, I am always just an addition. It feels as if my presence wouldn’t affect the dynamics; The experience wouldn’t be better or worse with me. I am at a college with 20,000 people, and yet I felt like I am alone in a room watching life go on through a window. It feels like I choose to be alone sometimes, but the truth is I don’t want to be alone. I want to feel wanted.

It is exhausting trying to find a group of people that you can be authentically yourself around. I always felt the need to filter myself to be seen as more likable to people. I have been met with an overwhelming amount of unkindness from people when all I wanted was to be their friend. Because of these experiences, I felt like I was less valuable and began to question my character.  

My freshmen year, I took the biggest risk in my life and decided to transfer universities. I was so tired of feeling uncomfortable in my own environment and my own skin. Going to a state school felt like I was in high school all over again and I couldn’t break out of my shell. I wanted to go somewhere no one knew me. Somewhere I can make my own identity and find my people. Transitioning from a state school to a private school in the middle of winter was definitely difficult. But I could not be happier with my decision.

 Of course, it was not all rainbows and sunshine, I had to learn to put myself out of my comfort zones. This meant joining organizations, talking to strangers in class, and asking for people’s numbers. Don’t get me wrong, I definitely had my fair share of fake friends. However, the ups and downs have allowed me to truly find myself and my people. Investing time into people who drain your energy is a waste of time! If you feel unhappy because of the people in your life, you are in the wrong environment and not being valued. In my third year of college, it feels like I have finally been able to meet people who truly care about me and want me there. I can be myself without having to wonder if they are going to judge me. 14-year-old me would be insanely proud of all the progress I made. I am surrounded by amazing people who push me to be a better person every day. Although I am not a part of a million groups like the 14-year-old me wanted to, I have quality over quantity. 

Mia R.

If you're reading this, it’s okay to be alone.

Big friend groups are extremely over-romanticized. Before college, I craved to join the groups I saw forming around me. I wanted to be a part of something, I wanted a safety net to know that people liked me. Molding myself to try and fit into these friend groups became a bad habit. I would wear certain clothes, and say certain things, just to fit in. Maybe I made some surface-level friendships. However, I never became part of the big friend group. It made me feel like I was simply unlikeable. The real friends I had were all in different groups, so I considered myself “the friend group hopper.”

Trying to mold myself to fit outside perceptions overtook me. In my senior year of high school, I was assigned to do a project about myself for my public speaking class. I remember thinking that because I didn’t know how other people perceived me, I did not know who I was. I had no clue what to tell people about myself. Instead of grappling with this situation, I asked all my friends to list adjectives that describe me, and I presented that. It breaks my heart to think back on that moment. My fear of being perceived made me isolate myself, made me lose myself. I refused to sit in the cafeteria during lunch, it felt like two hundred eyes were staring at me. I usually ate lunch in a bathroom stall. I left prom early. I left graduation early. I felt like I was stuck in an environment that stunted my growth. I was a flower that needed a bigger pot. 

Syracuse University was my bigger pot. I was alone. I was in a new state, I did not know anyone. I had extra room in the dirt to grow my roots. I was able to rediscover myself and form my identity. I joined University Girl Magazine and rediscovered my childhood love of fashion and writing. I joined the Syracuse Cheer Team and learned it was okay to be loud, confident, and take up space. The best part is that I made so many connections. Real connections. 

I also learned that it’s okay to be a friend group hopper, I will even say that I enjoy it. Not all of your friends have to be friends. Making a range of connections with unique people will always be better than molding yourself to fit into a group of clones. I think if I did not have that time alone, I would not be where I am today. 

Bella T.

If you’re reading this, you will find your people. Remember, nothing lasts forever, and that includes loneliness. The best is yet to come!

University Girls (UGirl Magazine), Syracuse University

Connect With Us

To follow IfYoureReadingThis at Syracuse on Instagram, get in touch with our chapter, and learn about more resources available to Syracuse students, visit our chapter’s homepage.

AUTHOR CONTACT

This author has opted to allow readers who resonate with their story to contact them. If you would like to speak to the author of this letter about their experience, please use the form below.