Marly R.
Photography by Dominick Fini
If you’re reading this, remember that 5% makes a difference.
As the days get colder and the nights get longer, I am experiencing the sense of impending doom that I know many of you can unfortunately relate to. Oftentimes it is hard to know how to move forward when looking back on so many winters that have been marked by depression and moodiness. But this year, I feel as if I’m finally learning to be realistic about healing and how moving 5% in the direction of health can make a difference day in and day out.
I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety eight years ago and spent a long time grappling with these diagnoses and what they mean for my life. Shortly after being diagnosed, I joined a local church where I became a Christian over time as I learned about Jesus and how to have a relationship with Him. Although it isn’t promised in the Bible, I excitedly assumed that all of my problems would go away when I decided to believe in Jesus. But I was wrong. Since giving my life to Jesus, I have continued to experience deep grief and seasons of suffering. Four years ago I was diagnosed with Seasonal Affective Disorder and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder as well. I have hope because of my faith, but sometimes the winter months seem to dampen that hope and I fall into despair as I navigate what it means to live with Seasonal Affective Disorder.
Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) is a type of mood disorder associated with changes in seasons. My experience with Seasonal Affective Disorder is common: it begins in the fall and lasts through the winter. I often feel down and depressed, lose interest in activities that I usually enjoy, lack motivation and energy, oversleep, and feel hopeless for days at a time. Winters used to drudge on forever and cause me immense fear. I’ve tried medication, light therapy, and vitamin supplements, but beginning therapy has truly been the turning point for how I interact with SAD and my other diagnoses. My therapist has helped me reframe how I approach healing and my mental health.
When I walk in or walk out of therapy sessions feeling down, my therapist often asks me this one simple question: “What could make you feel 5% better right now?” She graciously reminds me that I cannot make myself feel 100% better or prevent the symptoms of my mental illnesses from arising, but a 5% increase is achievable. And honestly, the act of being intentional to help myself heal is probably the most healing part of it all. All of us are different, so finding your 5% will inherently look different for everyone, but here are some of my go-to answers to my therapist’s question: a nap with my favorite blanket, a long drive through the fall trees, calling an old friend, sitting by a window to get some sun, drinking a hot cup of coffee (or honestly just going to a coffee shop for the vibes), and partaking in religious practices– for me, its worshiping God and meditating on the Psalms.
The question of 5% runs through my mind almost instinctively on days when I feel overwhelmed and downcast. Healing is not black and white, it’s not linear, and it’s likely not going to be complete— at least not on this earth. But remember that 5% makes a difference. By continuing to choose healing even in small, incremental steps, we can make it through the winter months.
Please reach out to me with any questions about Seasonal Affective Disorder, taking steps of 5%, the intersection between Christianity and mental health, or anything else!
Marly R. (she/her), University of Virginia
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