Madi W.
Photography by Aneesa Wermers
Please note: Before reading my letter, I’d like to let you know that in it I describe my experience with depression and suicidal thoughts. If you believe you will find this content triggering, I encourage you to read one of the other letters of IfYoureReadingThis.org, or to prepare to access any support systems or resources you may find helpful if you do become triggered by reading my letter below.
If you’re reading this, please stay. I stayed and I am so grateful to be here today writing this letter to you.
For years I have struggled with anxiety and depression, but only in the past year have I truly begun to be transparent with others about where I’m at in terms of my mental health and have gotten the help that I need. I’m no longer fighting alone and I believe that’s a beautiful gift.
When I finally mustered up the courage to ask for help when I first battled depression, my family and I didn’t realize the importance of seeking mental health services. We thought therapy wouldn’t be helpful. Looking back now, I laugh because, at that time in my life, therapy was exactly what I needed. I felt alone and scared and mental health was too stigmatized for us to know what I should have done. I believe that what saved my life was being a part of the service organization Project 351 where I was able to serve my community and work alongside others for a greater cause. It gave me purpose and reminded me that the world was good. A few months later, I started to feel better and I buried those feelings. However, I continue to volunteer with Project 351 today :)
Fast forward to four years later when I did something that my 8th-grade self did not think was in the cards for me: I graduated high school. People make jokes, but literally surviving high school made me so proud. I remember crying because for a while I didn’t make plans for my future because I didn’t believe that I was going to have one.
I went to my first therapy appointment the morning of the day I came out to my parents as bisexual. I was a mess, but my therapist was so kind and helped to give me the confidence to share my true self with the world.
A year later the world shut down due to the COVID-19 pandemic that we still face today. I struggled immensely to find the good in the world. It seemed like every time I saw the news, more people were dying and more human rights were being taken away. Just before I returned to school that fall, I felt the signs that depression was starting to sink in again and I was terrified. However, I vowed that this time would be different -- I won’t go through this alone and I will get the help I need.
At this time, my family and I were therapy advocates so although it was hard for me to open up, I was lucky to know that my family would support me. I shared just how bad my mental health was in 8th grade and how I was feeling at the moment. I went back into therapy and began the process of finding the right medication for me— it took a few hard months and some scary nights, but I made it out of the dark place.
Today, I still have anxiety and depression and struggle with self-harm and suicidal thoughts, but I know when to take time for myself and what to do if I need extra support. I’m now in a routine of taking my meds, journaling, going to therapy, and getting outside every day. I meditate and aim to prioritize my mental health. I talk openly to others about therapy and how I’m feeling, hoping that they can be open too. I aim to normalize mental health and self-care. That’s why being a part of IfYou’reReadingThisBC has become such a special part of my life.
I’ve finally been living as my authentic self, being open with my sexuality and gender identity and sharing what it’s like being queer in a heteronormative cisnormative society. Self-love is a long journey, but I’m finally walking down the right path. It took some time, but today my family and I talk openly about our mental health and are advocates for seeking mental health services. Therapy is cool after all :)
I know it’s not always sunshine and rainbows. Depression sucks and it has often made me question if the people I love would be better off without me. However, I know that depression is lying to me. Anxiety is lying to me. The people I love, love me back. I can do this. I am strong. I will get through this, and if you’re feeling a similar way - so will you. No matter how alone you may feel, I am here with you and for you. I know it hurts, but you are strong and I am proud of you. You are beautiful and you matter. I love you. The world is a better place with you in it.
So, if you’re reading this, please stay.
Madison Walsh (they/them), Boston College
Vice President 2021-2022, Co-President 2022-2023
Originally published on August 30, 2021
Reflecting back on my letter posted roughly a year ago today, I am immensely grateful for the support that not only I, but also IfYoureReadingThis BC, has received since. In the past year, I have gained more confidence in myself and have embraced my mental health journey for it has made me into who I am today. The community that I have found since helping to bring this organization to Boston College is more than I could’ve imagined. I hope that by sharing my own story, others will feel inspired to do the same and that together we can work towards creating a world with affordable access to mental health services, no more stigmatization of mental health, and a world free of suicides. Remember to check in on the people you love; you may save a life. If you are actively considering ending your life, this is your sign to stay. You are loved and you matter. Please seek out the IfYoureReadingThis BC resource page for support. If you need someone to talk to, I’m always here, please use the author contact form below to connect.
Addendum added September 9, 2022
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