Lauren J.
Photography by Ally Szabo
If you’re reading this, it’s never too late to live your truth.
I spent years as a shell of myself. From the ages of 14 to 19, I was who I thought everyone wanted me to be: excelling academically and athletically, fitting in with the people I thought were my friends, and picking random boys to have crushes on. Looking back, those five years of my life do not even feel like my own. I was not myself.
Navigating life as a teenager was hard enough. Taking time to try to figure out my sexuality made it even harder. My high school environment made it impossible to take the time and space to understand and love myself, and for a while I was convinced that it would always be that way, and for a period of time I was convinced that I would never be able to live as myself.
Looking back from where I am now, I’m so thankful to be so wrong.
I write this today as a 21 year old college senior, the most happy, authentic, and confident I have ever been. Coming to terms with my sexuality and living my truth has been the most rewarding experience I could ever imagine, but it wasn’t easy.
High school was brutal. I remember sitting at a study hall table with some “friends” senior year, listening to them talk about how if their future child came out to them as gay, their response would be to “tell my kid they should just off themselves. Either that or they get kicked out.” I encountered comments like this on a daily basis.
At that point, I had just come out to myself, finally acknowledging my sexuality, but still not accepting it. I repressed my feelings and pushed them down. Hearing things like this drove me further and further away from accepting myself. I lived in constant fear of what everyone would say if they knew the truth about my sexuality. I was terrified to exist.
I arrived at Villanova believing most people would be like the ones at my study hall table. I was scared to be myself, but I took the first step, the hardest step, in December of 2019, my freshman fall semester. I came out to my best friend, and everything snowballed from there.
I would be lying if I said it’s been perfect. It hasn’t. There’s always going to be people who have something to say, people who treat me differently, and people who look down upon me because I love women in the way they think I should love men. But those people aren’t my people, and while their opinions can hurt, they are drowned out by the outpouring love and support I receive from my friends every single day.
In all my low points, I was entirely alone. There was no one else in my life going through what I was going through. I was isolated by my surroundings, and I isolated myself, too. I felt like I would never escape that feeling of being so alone, but I made it through.
I started living my truth and finding friends who appreciated me in my entirety. I built up a support system, and the people around me helped me become more confident in myself and fully live my truth. I took the time to find the people who appreciate me for who I am, something that seemed like a dream instead of reality.
Here I am three years later. I am happy. I am strong. I am finally myself and showing my true self to everyone.
Being where I am now—confident, authentic, and truly myself—is why I am writing this letter. If you are reading this and it resonates with you, I am here. You are not alone. I know your struggles all too well. One day you will be living your truth just like me.
And, for those of you who read this and do not understand my struggle, I leave you with this: never be the reason that someone does not exist as their true self.
Lauren J., Villanova University
Connect With Us
To follow IfYoureReadingThis at Villanova on Instagram, get in touch with our chapter, and learn about more resources available to Villanova students, visit our chapter’s homepage.
AUTHOR CONTACT
This author has opted to allow readers who resonate with their story to contact them. If you would like to speak to the author of this letter about their experience, please use the form below.
