Jasmine Z.
Please Note: In this letter, I discuss my experiences with relationship violence and suicidal ideation. If you think you may find this content triggering, I encourage you to read one of the other letters on IfYoureReadingThis.org, or prepare to access any support systems or resources you find helpful.
If you’re reading this, you didn’t deserve that.
At first, the relationship was everything I envisioned for a relationship: it was my first one, but it gradually turned uglier. At first, it was biweekly or weekly accusations of me cheating on him which he blamed on his trust issues and promised that it wouldn’t happen again over and over. When we were long-distance over the summer, it was almost daily when he would be “off,” which meant he was having those thoughts.
My hope of this relationship problem being solved was immediately eliminated the minute we came back to campus. It turned into two to three times daily of him being “off.” He would get upset if I couldn’t bring him to a party and would accuse me of wanting to meet other guys. He said he got jealous of me hanging out with my friends because I would be having more fun with them. He started to name-call me and accuse me of starting fights if I wanted to express my emotions. I blamed his accusations on myself, and whenever I tried to have a conversation about how I could improve my communication, he would give me the silent treatment. At this point, I was so emotionally exhausted; I felt like I was constantly walking on eggshells, I felt shame for wanting to be with my friends, I doubted myself and felt worthless and defeated, and I was crying and experiencing anxiety attacks daily.
One night, he accused me of lying about knowing someone at a party. He started to run up the woods towards the train tracks and said, “I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to kill myself.” I tried to stop him twice without physically touching him but he pushed me twice down the hill. He continued to say those things throughout the night. The next morning, he said he didn’t mean any of it. We broke up a month later, and with my rose-colored glasses now gone, I realize that none of the behavior was acceptable. I had developed a trauma bond to him, and I was ashamed to tell my friends, my therapist, and my family the entire story.
Name-calling, dismissiveness, love bombing, gaslighting, stonewalling, unpredictability, accusations, isolation, and the list kept going on and on as to how eerily relatable this list was to my experiences in my past relationship. These were all signs of emotional abuse which I didn’t fully accept until a month after it had ended.
The time after that realization was the lowest point in my life. It was hard to get out of bed; I was experiencing waves of intense sadness and resentment or just numbness. There were times I wished I could hit the pause button in life or felt like damaged goods and just wanted to give up. I would hide my emotions by throwing myself into work until my emotions exploded and I broke down. I couldn’t accept that I wasn’t fully okay until my roommate mentioned that I didn’t seem like myself. Healing from an abusive relationship is not a linear path. It took me a long time to accept that I didn’t deserve this, and I still have my bad days. There are days that I’m angry he did this to me and he appears guilt-free. Sometimes the most resentment I feel is towards myself that I had allowed this behavior to continue, that I didn’t notice the red flags earlier, and that I didn’t leave this relationship earlier. Throughout this time, I have learned that I need to be kinder and patient with myself, that I truly have such a strong support system that I can depend on, and that throughout all these moments of darkness, I will become a stronger person. Emotional abuse doesn’t just take a few self-care days and a tub of ice cream to heal from; it is a form of intimate partner violence and can have long-lasting psychological impacts. It is very real, but I am working through healing one day at a time.
Jasmine Z. (she/her), Boston College
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