Helena N.
Photography by Cat White
If you’re reading this, it’s never too late to take control of your life despite how far out of reach it may seem.
One morning I woke up and it honestly felt like I had just woken up from a dream, except the dream was my entire 22 years of life. For the first time, I felt like I had real control over my life and my decisions. It’s hard to put into words, but it was as if everything I’d been trying to make sense of suddenly clicked into place. I finally feel like I’m in the driver’s seat of my own life, and it’s an indescribable feeling.
For as long as I can remember, I carried a heavy burden of shame—shame about my triggers, my impulsive behavior, and my inability to focus or follow through. It’s like I was living on autopilot, trapped in this endless cycle of feeling out of control. I often found myself doing things I didn’t fully understand, whether it was taking risks I couldn’t justify or zoning out in moments where I should have been present. It was exhausting to constantly feel a disconnect between the decisions I wanted to make versus the decisions I would actually make, but it had become so normal to me that I didn’t even realize how much it was draining me.
Looking back, I can see how all of this stemmed from a childhood that lacked the stability, security, love, and sense of belonging that a child needs to thrive. I was frequently criticized and belittled, with my decisions made for me by others, leaving me without any real sense of identity or understanding of my own wants and needs. This lack of foundation led me to make impulsive, reckless choices in adulthood, often as a way of compensating for the deep void I’d been carrying. I developed maladaptive behaviors such as making risky decisions without reason, difficulty managing big emotions, and an overwhelming desire to please everyone around me. In doing so, I lost sight of myself, not even knowing who I was in the first place.
But now, at the age of 22, I’ve finally been diagnosed with ADHD and PTSD and I’m on medication. This has brought significant clarity to my life. All those years of feeling lost and disconnected from my own mind are slowly fading away, and I’m beginning to see myself in a way I never have before. I’ve spent so much of my life feeling like my brain was working against me, but now it feels like I can actually work with it.
It hasn’t been easy, though. Growing up in a family of post-Vietnam War refugees where mental health isn’t really something anyone talks about, it took me a long time to even consider seeking help. The stigma around mental health struggles is something seemingly inescapable for my family members. It’s to the point where I have no choice but to see my therapist and psychiatrist, as well as take my medications, all without my parents knowing. This is something I will continue to do carefully and privately. While it can be isolating and sometimes I feel paranoid about them finding out, there’s also a sense of freedom in doing this for myself.
I’m still unpacking a lot of childhood trauma, and I’m sure I’ll be working through it for years to come, but as of right now, I feel better than I have in a long time. I’m incredibly grateful for the progress I’ve made and for the space I’m creating for myself to grow. I’ve found healthier ways to cope, such as crocheting, knitting, felting, and getting lost in other arts and crafts. These activities help me channel my energy into something positive, and the rhythm of creating calms my racing mind. Reading has also been a great escape, and I’ve started connecting with nature and music in ways I never thought I could. These things ground me in the best way possible.
This has been a profound journey of self-discovery, and for the first time, I feel like I’m getting to know my true self, not just the version of me I’ve had to perform for others. I’m proud of where I am now and excited about where this journey will take me. It’s not perfect, but I’ve never felt more in control of my life, and that’s a feeling I never thought I’d have. I’m committed to continuing to grow, heal, and become the person I’m truly meant to be.
If you're reading this, maybe you’re on your own journey of self-discovery, or perhaps you're feeling lost and unsure of where to begin. Whatever the reason, I hope my story reminds you that change is possible, growth is real, and it’s never too late to start taking control of your life, no matter how overwhelming it may seem.
Helena N., University of Virginia
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