Gugu T.
Photography by Anjali Kapadia
If you’re reading this, your strength is in your vulnerability.
I find saying that I have stayed at a psych ward very difficult. Ah! Just writing that sentence makes me want to nervously laugh and then burst into tears. I’m uncomfortable with this simple fact because of all the negative stigma that comes with being a person who has received inpatient psychiatric care.
I know so intensely that I should not feel embarrassed and that there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. I know I shouldn’t feel the need to hide this part of my identity. And yet, I want to get a job, and I'm scared they won't hire me because of my hospital stay for goodness sake!
The stigma against mental illness stubbornly persists and I find I still struggle with its horrible effects. I feel so scared of being judged or deemed unworthy because of this part of my story. So for most of my time with this illness, I just did not really open up about it. I feel like the phrase “psych ward” is tied to so many scary, complicated, and painful emotions for so many people, so silence often feels like a more comfortable approach. Personally, that has been how I handled my illness. And I do love to talk, so that’s saying something.
In May of 2022 right before starting my freshman year of college, I suffered a manic episode. It was the most difficult experience that is painful to think about even to this day. During my mania, I had a shocking and awfully lucky moment of clarity where I realized I needed psychiatric help. I was utterly terrified because even in my unstable state, I was acutely aware of how scary and traumatic going into a psych ward could be, as well as the possible judgment I could experience for having stayed in a mental hospital. At the same time, I knew that at that point my mind had a mind of its own, and that was a bit of an issue. I was admitted into the hospital and although it was a very difficult time, I was blessed to have a caring and healing experience.
Overcoming my fear and going to the psych ward was the best decision I could have made for myself, and I’m so lucky that I had a positive experience. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for the majority of people who go through mental illness. There are many flaws in psychiatric care that result in society’s most vulnerable often being marginalized and mistreated. Despite the amazing progress made, there is still a large stigma around mental health. Many people may feel ashamed and reluctant to seek care or they receive a low quality of care because of this stigma. I think that regardless of the type or quality of care that a person may receive or experience, the simple fact of them needing mental health care should never be stigmatized. I believe that the act of seeking help for your struggle is one of the most courageous things a person can do.
I think I’ve mostly overcome my fear of having a mental illness, now I’m trying to overcome my fear of telling people I was in a psych ward. It was in that vulnerable moment of deciding to ask for help that I think I was the strongest I have ever been and ultimately that is what led to the beginning of my healing.
As the incoming chapter president of IfYoureReadingThis at Duke, my hope is that this club can contribute to creating an inclusive and welcoming community on campus where each student feels encouraged and galvanized to share their stories, life lessons, moments of sensitivity, immense strength, and anything else that feels meaningful. I hope we can foster a space where students are celebrated not only for all their amazing achievements but also for the wonderful courage it takes to put yourself out there and be vulnerable. I hope that this club can continue to help students find connection, healing, and empowerment through writing letters.
Gugu T., Duke University
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To follow IfYoureReadingThis at Duke on Instagram, get in touch with our chapter, and learn about more resources available to Duke students, visit our chapter’s homepage.
