Anonymous

Photo by Kathryn Treacy

 If you’re reading this, parents don’t have to be perfect.

 My parents fought a lot when I was growing up, and sometimes they still do. For the longest time, it's felt like they can barely tolerate being in the same room as each other, never mind loving each other.  This bothered me a lot, and the feelings consumed me. My mom didn't have many friends to talk to about her relationship issues, which led her to rely on me for support.  She's my best friend in the whole world and I'm so glad I was there for her, but I was also only a teenager myself at the time. 

I found it hard to process the fact that my parents seemed to be in a never-ending fight and the house had a constant energy of tension. I was walking on eggshells around my parents and stepping in the middle of fights trying to fix them. In hindsight, I was only torturing myself.  I felt so angry that they wouldn't just get a divorce. I genuinely thought they would both be so much happier and better off, but that made me feel guilty on top of my other feelings. I was anxious,unhappy, and overwhelmed. I broke down crying in my doctor's office and I was so embarrassed. I never cry outside the house.   

I went to a couple of therapy sessions - which I was very skeptical of at first. I talked about my feelings about my parents relationship for the first time with anyone. I felt so weird, like I was betraying my parents, whom I love so much. But talking about something like this, even with just one trusted person can help so much! 

Please know, you are not your parents.  You are not responsible for their relationship. It's not your job to fix it, and it's not your fault they fight, even if they are fighting over or about you– which is a hard one to wrap your head around! At least it was for me. Sometimes I feel stupid for taking so long to realize this, but we can’t always see our own situations with the same clarity as we can see others. That’s why talking to someone can help so much.  

Parents are people, and people aren't perfect! People fight. And it's okay. It might be annoying and you might wish that things could be different, but sometimes you have to detach from it a bit. Remember, you can’t control or change other people, but you can control your own reaction.  It doesn't have to be deeply upsetting. Most long-term relationships involve some messy elements.  I always hated the phrase, “setting a boundary,” but it has a lot of merit, and it works! Whether that boundary is asking a parent to find another confidant or walking out of the room when fighting begins, removing yourself from the situation can deeply help.

Learning to stay out of the fighting rather than trying to fix it and finding the good qualities in my family [instead] helped me so much.  I know it can be sad when you hear other people talk about how much their parents love each other, but every family is different. No family is perfect. This is very common and it’s part of life. I am well aware it is a great privilege to have two active parents in my life in the first place. I love my family so much and they are all brilliant people, whether my parents are fighting or not. I can still be happy no matter their situation, and I actually can't control how things go for them. Let that thought set you free. 

Don't try to fix your parents!  Set your boundaries and appreciate them for what they are - beautiful messy people.

Anonymous, Boston College 

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