Ari H.
Photography by Alexandra Pentel
If you’re reading this, it is okay to choose joy, even when life feels heavy.
Today, things feel heavier than usual. My heart mirrors my body, a little sluggish and a lot tired.
Today, I feel the weight of the world. The good, the bad, the hurt, the joy — all of it a balancing act I struggle to maintain.
Today, I know I am not alone. I rest in the presence of my friends, and even more importantly, I rest in the presence of myself, knowing that I need to take care of her, too.
There is no particular reason that today feels different than other days. Sometimes, I feel like life travels full speed ahead, while I run to catch up. And today, I think I caught up, breathless, yet still moving forward.
And I feel breathless often. I am always thinking of the next: the next steps I should take in my major, the next test, the next responsibility, the next meal, even the next time I can sleep. Life whispers: keep moving, keep working, keep on top of things, keep up, keep up, keep up. I am trying, but more often than not, I fail.
And that’s okay, because I am doing enough. I am enough. Life shouldn’t be a constant competition to keep up, to stay afloat, to smile when it feels like the world is against you. This life doesn’t have any guidelines or prerequisites. I am allowed to show up to this life unedited and imperfect.
So, yes, things feel a little heavy today, but that doesn’t make it a bad life or even a bad day, just different. Whenever I feel a little off or extra anxious, I always try to find the source, but the thing about anxiety is that it is often likely I cannot identify any one determining factor. There is absolutely nothing wrong with not feeling okay and not knowing its cause. In these moments, I take extra notice of the little things that bring me joy: a smile from a stranger, the bright orange leaves in front of my house, the surprising 70 degree weather in fall, a laugh, clean laundry, a cup of tea. The list is endless, but only if I choose to focus on those things rather than things I cannot make sense of right now. So today, with a weary heart, I choose to smile even if I feel like I shouldn’t. I choose to say yes to a visit with a friend even if I have a pile of deadlines to keep. I choose to sleep in, to let my body rest, to pay close attention to what I need in this moment. I choose to show up to today, acknowledging that I don’t have it all together and that’s okay. I choose to look forward to upcoming joys rather than upcoming responsibilities. I choose to show myself the same love I show my friends: a limitless, unabridged, honest sort of love. And today, despite the heaviness I feel, I choose joy.
Ari H., University of Virginia
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