Hikari

Photography by Ben Gilbert

If you're reading this, know that it's a sign of strength to ask for help and set boundaries.

If you're reading this, maybe you're considering seeing a therapist or counselor for the first time but holding back because your family told you that therapists were for "crazy" people, and you're not going "crazy" or anything, right? Maybe your mom said that she gave you everything she could, so you should be thankful for what she provided and deal with it. But the truth is, asking for help and setting boundaries IS you dealing with everything life is throwing at you-- tough exams, the passing of a grandparent, the terminal illness of a pet, the loneliness that college brings, the pressure to join every club and ace every test. Even after hearing the Cornell University president's welcome address during my first semester as an undergraduate in 2014, when David Skorton said, "asking for help is a sign of strength", I didn't know if I had it in me to ask. Was I that strong? What would happen to me if I said, "help?"

Asking for help does take strength. As someone who had gone through my whole life doing work and tasks independently, it felt so foreign to ask for assistance. Finding a therapist who you vibe with takes time, effort, and strength. I get it. My first therapist ate cereal during all our morning meetings, yawned, and seemed the opposite of genuine. But once you do find that person out there who just gets you (and they are out there! They could be in your clinic right now, having online sessions right now, having an open door), it is an indescribable feeling of relief. Something better than the first stretch of the day, or putting on your favorite pair of sweatpants at the end of the day. You know you come out stronger after feeling like you can get out of bed the next day and do just one more task (brushing your teeth, washing the dishes, eating a healthy meal, getting to class on time) than you did the day before.

So where do boundaries come into play? You first have to acknowledge your own boundaries. You have to tell yourself that as a strong and capable person, you deserve the help you need, the way you need it. If you have a headache, you take ibuprofen; if you feel hopeless, you need that same support, just in a different format. Once you've taken that first step, you can start establishing other boundaries with yourself: "it's okay for me to say that I'm staying in tonight to drink hot chocolate and watch Disney movies instead of going out to a party across town." "It's okay for me to set my bedtime at 10:30pm and not check any social media or email after 9:30pm." "It's okay to prioritize my needs over the desires and pressures of my friends, family, and people online." "It's okay to take a nap and relax because my body needs sleep." "It's okay to work with the Office of Accessibility who will help give me the tools I need to succeed in all my classes, such as extra exam time and flexible attendance."

As a PhD student now working three jobs, going to therapy frequently, and looking out for the wellbeing of my students, I look back on my undergraduate years and think why I didn't take that first step-- asking for help-- earlier. But I also understood I was still growing as a person, something we all are continuing to do every day. Back then I didn't have the support I did now, and I had so many questions that I couldn't answer-- "will they think I'm crazy?" "what if they say no?" I remember my intake therapist, who told me that he was glad I was there, that it was a normal thing to ask for help, and as long as you kept working to help yourself, someone would be there supporting you every step of the way. To close, you deserve all the self love and strength it takes to ask for help and set boundaries. I know there are people out there who believe in you-- you can count me in as your first one. All my best!

Hikari , Florida State University

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