Hannah T.
Photography by Jessica Pentel
Dear Reader,
Hannah’s letter describes her personal journey with sexual assault and we advise those who may be triggered by these topics to exercise caution when reading this letter. If you are struggling please reach out to our Peer Contacts or one of the resources listed on our Resources Page.
Sincerely, The IfYoureReadingThis Team
If you’re reading this, I want you to know that you are strong.
When I was growing up, I never believed I was strong. I thought if anything incredibly traumatic happened in my life, I wouldn’t survive it. I was wrong.
I was sexually assaulted during the spring of my third year. At first, I didn’t know how to label it. I didn’t think what had happened to me was “bad enough” to fall under that definition. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t stop thinking about it, why occasionally I would become so anxious I couldn’t focus or be productive, why I was suddenly repulsed by the mere idea of male physical affection. I felt weak, and demanded that I pull myself together without giving myself the tools to do so. Inside my head, I was excruciatingly critical, berating myself over and over for the “mistakes” I’d made that night, and telling myself I was a terrible human being. To escape this, I poured myself into any distraction I could: rehearsals, school, time with friends – anything that would occupy my time. Having free time allowed me to think, and I wanted to be as far from my own thoughts as possible.
Because I had no label for what had happened to me, I was afraid to talk about it. I am typically a pretty open person with my friends, but at first I didn’t discuss this event with them. When I did, it was in a hesitant way, providing very few details and gliding over the fact that I was uncomfortable with what had happened. Finally, while in quarantine at home, I realized I needed to get help.
It took a few tries, but I found a therapist who worked through my trauma with me and helped me realize that I was assaulted. Any sexual action without consent is inherently assault, no matter how “minor.” Comparing your traumas with others’ will never help you. You have to give yourself the grace to understand that you will handle your experiences differently, and that’s okay. It was this that helped me to realize I wasn’t weak; I was a person who hadn’t fully processed a traumatic experience.
According to a 2019 climate survey, approximately 1 in 4 UVA students will be sexually assaulted during their undergraduate academic career. This is a horrifying statistic, but for the “one” out of the “four,” I want you to know this: you are not alone. You are strong, and you are never to blame for what happened to you. I have found freedom in telling others my story. It has helped me to realize that the shame of this experience is not mine to carry – I was not the one who made a mistake. I am not to blame for what happened to me.
Unfortunately, healing isn’t a one-and-done deal. I am still discovering triggers and anxiety symptoms, and experimenting with new ways to deal with them. I will never fully “recover” from my assault. However, I know now that I am a strong person, and I always have been. Therapy helped me learn this. I’m grateful I had the opportunity to get professional help, and the courage to seek it out when I needed it.
If you’re reading this, I want you to know that there is no specific path to recovering from trauma. Having bad days doesn’t make you weak; it makes you human. There are people who love you and want to help you. Lean into them. You are stronger than you believe, but you do not need to heal from trauma by yourself.
Hannah T., University of Virginia ‘21
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