Anonymous
Photography by Aneesa Wermers
If you’re reading this, fill the void with self-love.
My therapist recently told me that our lives can be divided into buckets. One bucket for school, one for work, one for friendships, one for family, one for romantic relationships, and one for personal pleasure. We fill these buckets with different people and things throughout our lives in hopes of feeling fulfilled. But sometimes, when our buckets feel empty, we try to fill the void with fleeting or even self-destructive things. When I moved to a new elementary school and was struggling to make friends, I remember pouring most of my time and energy into my schoolwork to distract me from my loneliness and social anxiety. You may have tried to fill the void with alcohol, drugs, academic achievements, or a person; I know I have in the past.
In college, I began to fill that void with drunken male attention. When I felt overwhelmed by what I now realize was anxiety and depression, I sought validation from men in bars and on dating apps to numb these feelings. What I didn’t realize was that these moments were fleeting and ultimately counterproductive. Deriving my self-worth from crumbs of attention from (often emotionally unavailable) men left me feeling even more unloveable and depressed after.
Through (many) therapy sessions, I’ve begun to realize that what my bucket was really lacking was self-love. I was trying to use validation from others to give me something that only I can give myself.
How do we begin to love ourselves unconditionally? We’re constantly being told, “You have to love yourself first!” but we’re rarely actually taught how. For so long, I had thought that love was conditional; my worth was dependent on my achievements, my appearance, and the opinions of other people. I didn’t know how to love myself or even where to start.
A close friend recently reminded me that we don’t have to do it alone. “Normalize asking for validation from friends,” she told me. We can lean on our friends and our family for support and validation when we need it. I’ve realized that asking for help or reassurance is not weak but a form of self-care. As you begin to love yourself, my friend told me, you can accept validation in a healthy way that doesn’t compromise you and your progress. Trying to find validation through drunken one night stands and toxic situationships (or whatever “drug” you choose), however, is often a form of self-harm.
I am slowly beginning to fill the void with self-love and leaning on my friends for support when I need it. I am learning to recognize when a bucket feels low and give that bucket a little extra attention and care. Sometimes, this means facetiming an old friend or reading Milk and Honey by Rupi Kaur in bed under my favorite blankets. Sometimes, this means setting boundaries with places or people that tend to trigger me to seek unhealthy validation. I am learning that there are many forms of self-care and love. I’ll leave you with a few ideas for self-care and self-love that I’ve learned through therapy and amazing friends:
Identify your values and goals. Before making a decision, ask yourself, does this choice align with my values and uphold my worth?
Surround yourself with people who remind you of your worth. Ask for support when you need it.
Set boundaries with those who distract you from your needs, make you question your value, or compromise your progress.
Slowly, I am beginning to learn what love is and what love is not. I am learning that my worth is inherent, not conditional. I am learning how to love and take care of myself, especially when I am struggling. If you’re reading this, I hope you know how loved you are, and I hope you fill your void with self-love.
Anonymous, Boston College
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