Amanda C.
Before reading this letter, we'd like for you to know it discusses Amanda C.'s experience with self-harm and thoughts of suicide. If you think that reading about this will be triggering for you, we encourage you to take a pause before reading this letter, center yourself, and prepare any resources you may need to access after reading it. If you'd rather not read this letter, we encourage you to read a letter on a different topic, such as Dana Q.'s or Caroline L.'s letter. If you're reading this, your feelings are valid.
If you’re reading this, I hope that you can find solace, catharsis, and understanding in my work.
I have done a lot of art pieces regarding mental health over the years. My work has touched on sensitive themes of depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, cynicism, and heartbreak. Now, I invite you to witness the most vulnerable parts of me.
Mental health is something I battle every day. I’m incredibly lucky to have my support system of loved ones who have provided their unwavering guidance, perspective, and patience. Being vulnerable about this topic is no easy task. The act of choosing to speak up is already a huge sign of progress, and it’s usually the most difficult part for many of us. Remember that you are not alone.
Overthinker
As a chronic people-pleaser from a young age, it is habitual for me to overanalyze every interpersonal interaction. I am extremely sensitive to subtle shifts in energy with people and rapidly jump to conclusions that someone does not enjoy my company. This can range from overreacting over unanswered texts to worrying that something is wrong with me if someone decides to end a perfectly harmless conversation. Seemingly mundane moments that are mere seconds, in reality, can become distorted into hours of internal turmoil. I incorporated an ouroboros (a snake swallowing its own tail) surrounded by swaths of tumultuous brush strokes to represent the cyclical, consuming nature of my intrusive thoughts.
The Monster Does Not Sleep Tonight
Over the years, anxiety attacks that I could only attribute to a combination of personal and professional circumstances would have me waking up drenched in sweat in the middle of the night, leading to bouts of insomnia. I grew to despise the simple act of sleeping and being alone with my thoughts, for my dreams would haunt me, and my waking moments were consumed with trepidation. A particularly bad episode last year informed my decision to seek professional help.
Loss of Innocence
This piece was a response to an hours-long, self-induced anxiety attack I had this summer. I wanted to induce an ethereal, painterly feel through the sharp contrast between the soft pink hues of childhood, the wilting daisies to symbolize the loss of that innocence and frantically clinging onto that last fragment of childhood, and the consuming dark void of the confusion on how to navigate adulthood. When you’re a child, all you want to do is grow up. But when you’re approaching the inevitable milestone of adulthood, all you want to do is return to the blissful simplicity of childhood.
Transfiguration
Having attended a rigorous, competitive high school, I view this as one of the darkest periods of my life. My depression and self-loathing were at their worst, I occasionally self-harmed, and there were times I contemplated suicide, though I was too scared and guilty to attempt it. This phase was brushed off by my family as the stress of school, being a teenager, and that I was just being a very negative person.
I was surrounded by extraordinary people growing up: my extremely bright peers, my intellectual prodigy of my father and cousin, and my exceptionally beautiful mother and sister. As such, I would constantly believe I was never accomplished, beautiful, or interesting enough, especially in the toxic race of university admissions.
I still struggle with these thoughts from time to time. Unlike before, though, I have come to slowly thrive in my individuality and embrace my uniqueness. This piece served as a pioneer for my future works, for it allowed me to explore flower symbolism and enabled me to use art as an outlet for expressing my mental health.
Amanda C., University of Michigan
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