Anonymous
Photography by Ben Curry
Dear Reader,
This letter includes discussions of unhealthy relationships and unwanted sexual advances. We advise those who may be triggered by these topics to exercise caution when reading this letter.
Sincerely, the IfYoureReadingThis Team
If you’re reading this, I have managed to take another step in the healing process, and you can too.
Before I came to college, I went abroad and met my first real girlfriend. What started out as exciting and tender became something tenuous and painful. I’ve never been the most secure guy on the block, and when she began mocking me for my sexual performance and revealed she had been cheating on me, my confidence was crushed. I sank deeper into this relationship that I had perceived to be positive and was manipulated by my partner.
Eventually I started school at Colorado College and met a group of down-to-earth, selfless students who brought me into the fold, despite my insecurities. With their love and support, I could see myself becoming the person that I wanted to be. I spent two years making mistakes and growing, looking for opportunities to prove to myself that I was not the person that my former girlfriend had convinced me I was.
At some point last summer, she reached out to one of my friends at CC and told him that I was demanding and sexually problematic. Shortly afterwards I lost what felt like all of the dear friends I had made. They turned their backs on me, or did so after confronting me with judgement.
I never thought the relationship was anything but consensual, and on the day she no longer had feelings for me, her behavior clearly reflected that change in emotion. Despite that, facing the hatred of many people I had loved caused me to doubt myself again.
The last year has been crushingly lonely, and I still struggle to find the friends who love and understand me out of the many people who make no such efforts.
That said, I continue to practice gratitude and love. I work to have the qualities of my role models, and to make the world a better place. I battle my feelings of fear and indignation viciously, and I’ve stopped defining myself by others’ snap judgements. I know who I am, and I know the people who deserve my time and effort.
Anonymous, Colorado College
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