Anonymous
Photography by Ben Curry
Before reading this letter, we'd like for you to know it discusses sexual assault. If you think that reading about this will be triggering for you, we encourage you to take a pause before reading this letter, center yourself, and prepare any resources you may need to access after reading it. If you'd rather not read this letter, we encourage you to read a letter on a different topic, such as Dana Q's letter. If you're reading this, your feelings are valid.
If you’re reading this, you will make a difference.
I didn’t have the language to describe what happened to me when I was 16. High school girls go to parties and kiss boys, right? Words like consent and sexual assault weren’t necessarily foreign to me, but they also didn’t seem to apply to my life. So, when I woke up one Saturday morning my sophomore year of high school and my friends told me what happened the previous night with a senior boy, I didn’t understand why I felt so dirty. Doesn’t this happen at all parties? Isn’t it cool to have an experience with an older boy? These were my thoughts for the following weeks while I took multiple showers a day as I struggled to feel clean, as I struggled to feel like myself.
My friends told me that I wanted to be with this boy. They told me I had said to them that I thought he was cute. They told me I should watch my behavior at the following parties in order to not gain a reputation. They told me I hurt the feelings of a different boy who I had previously gone on a date with. I was made to believe I was the perpetrator in what happened and that I should feel sorry for what I had done- it was my fault that every day I wanted to crawl out of my skin. I internalized what they said for years after.
The emotions I felt following that night resurfaced in my life in other ways; the way I viewed myself shifted, and while I didn’t have words for it at the time, I became depressed and anxious- at times I felt worthless.
I locked this experience up in my mind for many years; I chose to believe that what happened was normal. My experience even became a joke among my friends and me. I deliberately chose not to make this experience a life altering moment for me, or so I thought.
It wasn’t until my first year of college that I finally gained the language to put words to what happened and finally understand why I felt- why I feel- the way I do. I attended a “Take Back the Night” event on campus, and after listening to other survivors’ stories, I realized what they were talking about, I had experienced too. In what I felt like an out of body experience, I went up to the microphone, and with no preparation, spoke to strangers about that night. At the same time that all of these strangers did, I too was finally hearing and understanding my experience from years ago for the first time. It was hard, but I felt powerful.
Since that event, I have used my experience and passion to make a difference on CC’s campus. I organized a sexual assault and violence prevention workshop for all student-athletes. As captain of the cross-country team, I facilitated conversations about consent and team culture. I speak with my siblings about healthy relationships.
If I could go back to that Saturday morning, I would give my younger self the biggest hug and tell her it’s not her fault that she feels the way she does. Since I can’t do that, I choose to give extra hugs to my friends, teammates and family. I choose to make a difference where I can. This is how I heal.
Anonymous, Colorado College
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